Tuesday, April 8, 2008, 02:31 AMI was always under the impression that if you made the effort, the pay off would be worth the effort. But now, I'm having a bit of doubt.
It's spring time, the begining of a new day, a new life for all the plants and wildlife, including us. It's that time of year we go out in our gardens and start the never ending tasks of caring for all of mother natures own. That is except for us. It seems we humans are quite the same as the various plants we seed, plant and grow for the next 6 months or so.
I just wished it work for me as it does our flowers, vegi's and other various plants. I figured if I start out easy, slow and constant that I'd be able to handle things as in years past. But my body thinks other wise I guess. I hurt so bad when i attempt to do some of the most easiest and unstressful tasks it isn't funny. Now, as of today, just being on my feet for even a short period of time, my body starts screaming at me to stop. The simplest of things, as in walking up the ramp and avoiding stairs takes a toll on my back, hips and knees. It doesn't mean I just stop doing those things, but I need a better way to accomplish things I've taken for granted.
From getting out of bed in the morning, just the task alone of getting out of the bed is hell. Then I have to make it to the door to get out of the bedroom. That's a challenge! If I have cramps in my feet, I don't think of anything else but getting rid of the cramps and the only way to do that is to walk somehow. After the first 30 minutes to an hour, things usually start to ease up and get back to normal, whatever that may be.
Ever since my new doctor at the Saginaw VA Hospital started to change my medications. My BP has gone up, down, sideways and back. I've never had my feet swell up before, especially as bad as they did. All because of a change in a prescription for my BP.
But, what I really don't understand is how it is a person can be in pain some times excrusiating pain, even while they are already medicated. Whether it's via a patch, or a pill, the medication is among the strongest there is for pain relief. And yet, there are days you wonder if you've taken anything.
I can't imagine how others deal with their pain, it's something only we ourselves can understand and try to explain to all the different doctor's and others you see.
You'd think that after 15 years of going through this that you'd have a better idea and understanding of all thats wrong and ways to work around it in order to make life more comfortable. Granted they give you every contraption there is to allow you to care for yourself better. There's nothing like taking care of yourself and being able to go here, there and where ever it is you need to go,for yourself and by yourself. That is the ultimate goal. Self sustained. Just because I am disabled doesn't mean I can't take care of myself, can't do things for myself that others assume that I can't. It may take a little longer, it may take a little more strength, or even be creative, in getting something done, but it gets done.
Saturday, March 29, 2008, 02:38 AMIt's like having time stand still, even though you could see the wind blew through the tree's and hear the leaves rustling. There's been no changes for over 50 years, many countries have fallen to level of extinction if something isn't done soon.
Early last month the "New Laws" were voted on and won overhelmingly all around the world,it was just a matter of "when" the new laws would take affect to reverse the downfall and near extinction of races all aound the world. The United Alliance of Women (UAW)would soon be in control of everything and everywhere to bring back our life line, and ourselves. Soon babies will once againn start being born. Hospitals from around the world are starting to prepare for when the first 9 months have passed and new life once agains returns to enlighten and ensure that our future and people will go on for more years to come.
For over 40 years there has been a stop in child bearing around the world in responce to all the religious and nuclear fighting and destruction going on. A group of women who met online formed a group, the United Alliance of Women, to protest and put an end to all the killings and wars worldwide. Those who were forced, committed suicide to terminate the prognancy, no woman was giving in, and entire coutries have lost businesses and services and some nations / races have simply gone away. The female group, UAW, made the same demands year after year after year, and were turned away everytime. Everytime there'd be another race about to be extinct. In the 40 plus years that this "protest" has existed, women were starting to make more and more progress in the workplace,small and large businesses.What they didn't own they managed and controlled. After 40 years women have finally managed to take control, at the risk of wiping out mankind as a whole. Not one person left, anywhere. The world will never be the same again, it could be good, or it could be bad, there's no telling. The one thing that is for sure is our people will rise again one day soon. A new sunrise, a birth and the sunset, 3 of the most wonderful naturally beautiful things in existence.
Monday, February 18, 2008, 01:52 AMI don't know how much a person can handle, I don't know how much I can handle. Lately it seems like its been getting harder and harder. Even simply getting up and wobbling across the floor seems to be a challenge at times now. Darn near everytime one or the other of my feet just don't want to do anything and I almost fall on my face. Waking up in the middle of the night so I don't sleep more than 4 hours at themost night after night is hard. Yet, if I sleep for more than the 4 hours, the pain is so so unreal. Imagine someone beating you severly around your torso, front to back, side to side, where you can't even take a deep breathe because it hurts so much. Every time you wake up and move to get out of bed and start getting cramps in your feet, toes and calves. Such an intense pain you want to scream. Yet, there is nothing that you can do but try and work them out or suffer until they subside on their own. The entire middle of your back is totally numb, like getting a shot from the dentist to numb you up before doing his work. Your lower back feels as if it's either on fire deep inside, or it's a painful stabbing, piercing feeling as if stabbed with a red hot knife. Your neck pain goes from you r neck up both sides of your head up just past your ears. If you turn your body to fast or to far, the right side of your back feels as if someone is jabbing you first with something blunt, then with something sharp, alternating back and forth. Your hips and knees feel as if its bone on bone with every step you take.
I would not wish this on anyone, no matter who they are, it's a type of torture that should never be experienced in any lifetime. I have been dealing with this for over 15 years now, and every so many months it gets worse, and worse. It brings tears to my eyes more than I'd like to admit, sometimes daily. I am not sure how I make it through some days to be honest. On those days I would rather be knocked out, totally unconsious, or so drugged up that I could stand. If it wasn't for the medications, Fentanyl 100 mcg, and the morphine for break through pain, I couldn't keep going from day to day. I only hope that there is going to be a cure somewhere down the road that for anyone suffering from day to day like this will be as pain free as possible. But when there are multiple problems that surgery or replacement will only cure for a short time, if at all, you only have your dreams and hopes to go by. What good is having something lessened for what will be only a short time, if any at all, knowing that you are going to be back where you started from. It's like being doped up to the max until it no longer has the same affect as it did at the begining. It's no different then going from the Fentanyl 75 mcg to the 100 mcg, it makes a difference when you first start it, but then after a period of time, you're back to where you were. Simply put, this shit sucks more than anything. It's bad enough knowing that I won't be able to do what I did even 6 months ago, but having to accept it and go on as if it was nothing is a bit more difficult thatn I imagined. It was like when I was on my way home from a doctor appointment after the doctor told me that there was nothing they could do, that I was going to have to find a way to learn to live with it, and expect it to only worsen as time goes on. That was the first time I broke down and started crying. All I could think about was all the things I'd never be able to do again, possibly even walk my daughters down the aisle for their wedding, or go for walks and other simple everyday activities with my wife. It was very hard to accept then, and now, for some reason, I am still having a hard time accepting it as it seems to progress from day to day. There is so much in life I plan on doing with my wife, so much to enjoy spending our time together, places to go, things to do.
As they say, where there is a will, there is a way, I don't know how I am going to make it happen, but some how, some way I have to find that answer.
Sunday, February 17, 2008, 01:11 AMWent to meet my new doctor at the Saginaw VAMC for my usual 6 month check-up. Was afraid that I was going to have to start fromacratch all over again as has happened before. I can't tell you how many doctors I have gone through there. It's just the way that the VA has to do things because of the turn over rate they have. Some doctors have been there for as long as I have, over 15 years. Others spend a year or 2 then go start their own practice or have a better offer somewhere else. But in all the years I've been going there, I've o nly came across 2 doctors that basically sucked.
The wife was totally taken aback by my new doctor, a very personable individual that said right off the bat "I'm here to work for you, you tell me what you need and I'ff get it for you." And he did just that. I felt sorry for him at the end of our appoint ment because he was so new he didn't know or unserstand the VA's computer system and it was locked up on him. But he is one heck of a doctor. He changed my Blood Pressure meds to something different as he found that it worked better, increased my Fentanyl patch to the last increase available, 100mcg, stopped the darvocet and gave me the low dosage of morphone for break through pain. Thank God! It has been so bad over the past 6 months at least that it brought me to tears many times. I would wake up in the middle of the night in pain but there was nothing I could do. I tried the darvocets but they had little affect. So I'd sit there until I was so exhausted I'd either fall asleep in my chair or barely make it back to bed.
It's so hard to talk about the pain, mainly because you can't explain it in away that someone could easily understand. I have tried many times and feel as if the words just went on by the doctors with little to no understanding. My wife has a good idea because she sees me go through it. She feels bad because there's nothing she can do either but watch, and wait for the next round to hit. I would easily compare my pain to Fibromyalga and more. It's a pain that doesn't just go muscle deep, but down in to the bones. It's not just a stabbing, sharp pain, but a hot, stinging pain like being stabbed with a redhot knife. It alternates from that into what feels like someone pulling at your muscles, trying to rip them off your bones. There's so many different feelings and combinations, how do you explain it so its understood. The family has no clue the efforts I go through from day to day. They are all to engulfed in to their own lives and such, it doesn't really matter. I can't see trying to tell my daughters anymore then what they already know, for pretty much the same reason. You can see the look in their eyes as if they were saying "ok, so what am I suppose to do?" Nothing... absolutely nothing, other than try to understand what I have to go through on a daily basis is all.
If it wasn't for my wife, I don't know what or where I'd be right now. She has been a source of comfort, understanding, and support more than one could ask for. One day, I hope and pray that I can do something for her to show her just how much I love her and to thank her for all she does day to day. I think that's one of the reasons why I haven't tried to explain to her how much worse the pain has really gotten, how much more difficult it has gotten to do things I had no problem doing before. it's hard because she has so much to do now as it is just to keep up the house, let alone take care of me more than before. So I suck it up and go on, where there is a will, there is a way, and if there's a way, I'll find it. I am so looking forward to spring time when we both go out in the yard and start getting things cleaned up and planted, moving a few plants here and there, sitting on the deck at the end of a long day admiring our own piece of paradise. A paradise that we created together, side by side, step by step. I would have to say that she is the real reason I keep pushing myself to get by the bad days, even if they are one after another anymore. She is my sunshine, my rock of Gibralter, my light at the end of the tunnel. She really is my everything.
Monday, February 11, 2008, 02:22 AMHere's the scenario:
It is one of the coldest nights of this winter, with stong winds and windchill temps below -20 outside. You are sitting with your spouse watching an awards show you've been eager to see for some time when all of a sudden the tv go blank. You switch channels and there's nothing on any channel, so you know cable went out. The husband goes out to check the cable lines to the house to make sure they were still ok before you call the cable company. After about 20 minutes or so the husband still hasn't come back inside, so the wife goes to look out the windows to see if she can see what he's doing but can't see him anywhere. She puts on her coat and boots and heads out the garage door and finds him laying on the garage floor as he never made it outside. She of course panicks, checks to see if he is still breathing, can hear a faint breathe and runs back inside to call 911. Only when she picks up the phone to dial, there is no tone or anything. The phone is totally dead. She's really in a panic now, what is she going to do, they told her she'd never have to worry about the phone not working since it was going through the cable service. If the power went out, the phone router has a backup battery connected to it so it would still work. So why doesn't it work? In a panic the wife runs a quarter mile down the road to the nearest neighbors house to use their phone to call 911, but they to were using cable phone service and their phone wasn't working either. By the time she gets to someone with a phone and makes the call and gets back and the emergency help arrives, it's too late. She lost her husband.
Do not be fooled by the fantastic pricing and all the "extra's" that come with the cable phone service. If you cannot afford to have a cell phone or other means of contacting someone in case of an emergency, this is exactly what can happen to you. So when you think about it really the price for the cable phone service along with the price for a cell phone service on top of it is a lot more expensive than the normal phone service used for years on end. Not many people these days can afford to pay their bills as it is let alone having to pay extra for a back up phone service for the phone service you just signed up for through cable.
My wife was completely convinced by the sales pitch from our local cable service that we'd never be without phone service even in bad storms when the power went out. That and all the added extras of caller ID, call waiting, etc., etc., that came with the phone service including free long distance calling couldn't be compared to our old phone service. That was until tonight. Just minutes before the Grammy Awards show was to start, the cable went dead. Much to her surprise when she went to call the cable company the phone wasn't working either, imagine that. Personally I couldn't see how the phone could work when cable service went out since the phone was going over or through the cable service in the first place. I'm also glad we don't have any emergency situation like described above. But I am glad I still have cell phone service and after tonight, I plan on keeping it. Even when we are able to call the cable service and regualr phone service to cancel the one and restart the other I'll keep my cell phone service for some time.
To sum things up, if you can't afford to pay for cable phone service and a back up phone service at the same time, stay away from the cable phone service until you can or they come up with a means of getting around this very major problem. Don't take the chance of losing a loved one, your home, or any other major disaster, it's just not worth it. If you need a cheap way of making long distance phone calls, go buy a PrePaid phone card instead.